A Letter

Dear Ariana,

Oh, how I am longing to hold you in my arms! I have about eight weeks left in my pregnancy but it feels like forever. Sometimes I miss you. I actually miss you. I know I am still carrying you and you’re with me everywhere I go, but I need to see you and kiss you and snuggle you. I can’t wait to meet you!

I want you to know that your daddy and I (and a lot of other people, actually) prayed for you for a long time. I mean that we begged God for you. We wanted you so very much. I wanted to tell you the story of how you became our little miracle.

You see, we started asking God to give us another baby more than two and a half years ago. We asked and we asked, but He kept telling us no. For over a year we waited but still nothing changed; God didn’t give us a baby. That was a hard time for me. I knew that I was asking God for something good, for something wonderful, but He was not allowing me to have that blessing. I searched for His reasons, but couldn’t understand at the time.

Then, one day in July of 2012, I found out I was expecting a baby. I was ecstatic. God had heard my prayer! But just a few short weeks later I found out that something was wrong. The doctor told me I had an ectopic pregnancy, meaning that the pregnancy was in my tube instead of my womb. The baby would not survive and I needed surgery or I would be in danger myself. I was devastated. This wasn’t the first time this had happened to me. Before your big sister was born, I had an ectopic pregnancy and went through the same thing. My heart was broken as I said goodbye to a baby I would never get to meet.

Still, I knew that God was capable of answering my prayers. I asked again (and again and again) for another baby. And two more times, he answered yes. But both of those times, He took my babies to heaven before my belly even had time to grow. In less than five months, I lost three babies. I began to lose hope. I became very sad and struggled at times to find God’s purpose in everything. But He showed me that no matter what happened He would never leave my side. He was helping me to grow and to lean on Him and trust Him in these hard circumstances.

Not long after going through all of this, and still asking God to give us a child, I found out that my chances of having a healthy pregnancy were pretty slim. I had only one fallopian tube left. (I had lost one during surgery.) And my ovaries were not able to do their job properly. They were small and running out of eggs quickly. My doctor told me that my chances of getting pregnant were about the same as they are for a 40-year-old woman. And then he said that even if I did get pregnant, there was a 50/50 chance that it would be ectopic again. Basically, getting pregnant wouldn’t be easy and would probably be dangerous.

Still, I prayed. I wanted you. I felt in my heart that our family still needed one more person - you. Imagine my surprise, and my doctor’s surprise, when a month after he delivered such hopeless news I found out I was pregnant with you. I was very scared at first. I was so afraid I would lose you too. After all, I had only one living child at the time, your sister, and four babies in heaven. I fervently prayed that God would allow us to keep you, to meet you, to raise you. The day we saw your heartbeat was one of the best days of my life. You were safe and you were growing. I almost couldn’t believe it. There were still days of worry, and even now, as I am just weeks away from meeting you, I have days of anxiety. But God has answered our prayers and brought you into our lives.

Ariana, you are a miracle. All new life that God creates is a miracle. But you are a special miracle. You came to us against the odds, because God willed it, because He answered our prayers. I hope you never wonder whether or not you are wanted or loved because you are very much wanted and loved by us. As a family, we prayed (even your sister) every single day asking God to bring you to us. And now, we thank God for you every day!

I love you so much sweet girl. I cannot wait to meet you.

Love, Mommy

32 Weeks

Friday, 11 October 2013

How far along: 32 weeks (Only 8 weeks left! Or 9 or 10… but still… I’m getting closer!)

How big baby is: The average for a 32 week old baby is a little below 4 pounds, but at my appointment yesterday, baby A was measuring at about 4 pounds, 12 ounces, which is the 68th percentile for her age and almost 2 weeks ahead of the average. Big girl! Yikes! My doc says that she is on track to be as big as my first daughter was (8 lb. 9 oz.) or a tiny bit bigger. What can I say? I grow ‘em big!

Baby is the size of: a jicama… I know, who buys jicama? Seriously, where do they come up with this stuff? :)

Baby’s development: She now has toenails, fingernails, and hair on her head!

Mommy’s belly:

Baby’s movements: The movements seem to be changing. Although I occasionally still feel a sharp kick or jab now and then I feel mostly nudging and (attempts at) stretching. She is still quite active, which I’m grateful for.

Symptoms: I wouldn’t say I have any “symptoms” other than the normal aches and pains. I’m having a hard time with back pain, but trying to deal by doing stretches and simple exercises. This belly is heavy and big to be carrying around everywhere!

Food cravings: I don’t think I’ve had any true cravings this week. Not that I can remember anyway. But I do still love sweets. I’m trying not to eat too many though.

Emotions: I am starting to feel a little apathetic and unsociable. I don’t mean to be that way, but I am always tired and uncomfortable and would usually rather just relax at home. I guess I’ll have to learn to get over that though, with the holidays coming.

Sleep: I. Am. Exhausted. Many days I seriously feel as though it’s 2:00 in the morning and I’m walking around like a zombie trying to function. It’s crazy. I’m sleeping 8 to 9 hours at night. Well, I’m in bed 8 to 9 hours at night. I wake up extremely frequently so maybe I’m getting 7 hours of sleep, but still, it doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I get. I always want more. :)

Anything else: I wrote my birth plan this week. I know that I won’t get everything I want and that I can’t control all of the circumstances, but it feels good to have my wishes written down so that the nurses and doctors can at least know what I prefer when there is a choice one way or another. I even made a little list for the postpartum nurses to (hopefully) ensure that I get a room at the end of the hall away from their desk and other things like that. There was so much I didn’t know to plan for last time and I want to be a little more vocal about my wishes this time around. Besides, this is my last time to do this. I want to do it my way!

What I am looking forward to: I don’t know if it truly qualifies as something I’m “looking forward to” but we are going to do the hospital tour next week. Although that won’t be exciting, I will be glad to feel more informed on what to expect when delivery day arrives. I delivered little P at Hillcrest so Saint Francis will be different, I’m sure. I’ll just want to know where to go and find out how much freedom I will or won’t have on the big day.

We had Grandpa take some maternity photos for us this week. It was really fun and we got some really cute pictures! Here are a few…

Only 8 more weeks to go!

31 Weeks

4 October 2013

How far along: 31 weeks

How big baby is: 16 inches long, 3 ½ pounds

Baby is the size of: a coconut

Baby’s development: Baby Ariana is most likely heading for a growth spurt. She is also able to turn her head from side to side and is starting to develop more regular sleep and waking patterns.

Mommy’s belly:

Baby’s movements: This girl is a mover and a shaker! Sometimes she will move for hours without letting up. There are a lot of times when she kicks so hard it hurts and other times when it feels like she’s stretching out and trying to hatch out of my body! She makes me uncomfortable, but I’m so happy that she is healthy and growing.

Symptoms: I don’t know what to say now when people ask, “How are you feeling?” Honestly, I don’t feel great - ever. But most people don’t really want to know that I don’t feel well, so I usually just say, “I feel good.” In reality, my back always hurts, my joints feel loose, I’m always sleepy, and my restless legs are out of control. Sitting through a regular church service is excruciating because I can’t sit still that long. I feel like I’ve been pregnant forever, but I’m still so excited to feel terrible and be huge because that means that in about 9 weeks I’ll have a sweet new baby in my arms!

Food cravings: A couple of nights ago I had a dream that I really wanted a caramel frappe from McDonald’s but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get it. The dream seemed to go on forever. When I woke up I wanted that frappe so badly that after Penny was up and dressed we went to McDonald’s and I got one. And it was as delicious as I knew it would be.

Emotions: I’m getting so excited and impatient to meet this little girl! After seeing her face at last week’s ultrasound I am having a hard time waiting! Nine weeks might not be very long, but right now it seems like forever!

Sleep: I am so very tired that I sleep, but I wake up every hour because I’m uncomfortable. Thank goodness I’m able to sleep though. I know a lot of pregnant women have trouble with insomnia and that would make me crazy!

What I am looking forward to: I’m always looking forward to the next doctor’s appointment when I get to see this sweet girl on the ultrasound screen! I go every other week now, so it’s nice to see her so frequently!

30 Weeks

Friday, 27 September 2013

How far along: 30 weeks!!!

How big baby is: 15.7 inches long, 3 pounds

Baby is the size of: a head of cabbage

Baby’s development: The amount of amniotic fluid will now begin to decrease as baby A grows and takes up more space. Her eyesight is continuing to improve.

Here are some photos of my sweet girl at 29 weeks, 6 days.

Mommy’s weight gain: No, just no. I am not going to answer this question anymore.  :)

Mommy’s belly:

Baby’s movements: Her movements have changed some, although I’m not sure I can describe how. There are fewer sharp and forceful kicks and more stretching and nudging.

Symptoms: I’m just very tired. In the mornings I lack energy, in the afternoons I am a little better (sometimes), and by the evening my body and joints ache. I am ready for bed by 9:00 each night. So exhausted!

Food cravings: This week I have been craving milk to drink. Probably my healthiest craving yet. Yay!

Emotions: I’m not too emotional right now. We’ll see how long that lasts.  Haha!

Sleep: I want to sleep all the time! I don’t sleep as well as I’d like, but still better than lots of women do at this stage.

29 Weeks

Friday, 20 September 2013

How far along: 29 weeks

How big baby is: 2 ½ pounds, over 15 inches long

Baby is the size of: butternut squash

Baby’s development: Her muscles and lungs are continuing to mature and her head is growing bigger to make room for her developing brain.

Mommy’s weight gain: 23 pounds total (3 pounds in the last 2 weeks)

Mommy’s belly:

Baby’s movements: This girl is active! I’m pretty sure that she is constantly moving any time that she is awake. And that’s fine with me - it’s very reassuring.

Symptoms: I am exhausted. My energy is super low and I am always sleepy. Sometimes walking or standing can be extremely uncomfortable and my joints often ache. I’m getting very clumsy, which is frustrating, because that means I’m dropping things a lot. And reaching down to the floor to pick them up is extremely uncomfortable. Overall, I feel like I’m already in that “miserable-and-about-to-pop” phase which is a bummer because I still have 11 weeks to go! I’m thankful for all of the discomfort though - it just means that I’m still pregnant with a growing, thriving baby. What a blessing!

Food cravings: In general I prefer carbs and sweets. Of course. I think I could sit around eating muffins and cream cheese all day. (I don’t though!)

Emotions: I’m just tired and frustrated. I think part of that is because I haven’t had a chance yet to rest and “get back to normal” after our vacation. Our trip to Tennessee wore me out! And when we got home I hit the ground running with doctor and dentist appointments, grocery shopping, Penny’s activities (story time and gymnastics), church, and major house cleaning. I’m thankful that the weekend is finally here and hoping that some extra rest will get me back on track.

Sleep: It’s getting harder to get comfortable, which means it takes longer for me to fall asleep and I wake up earlier than I would like. But I have been sleeping fairly soundly at night, which is good.

Anything else: I passed my glucose tolerance test! (GTT) I had failed the first glucose screening just a couple of days before we left for our trip and wasn’t able to do the GTT until after we returned. As disgusting as the drink was for the first one, the drink for the second one was worse - it was twice as sweet! The GTT is a fasting test, so I couldn’t have breakfast before I went. I took Penny with me to the appointment and she was very good! It was a three hour test - they took blood before I had the drink and then once each hour for three hours afterwards. I had spent so much time praying that I would pass this test because I know the diet would be really hard for me. (Almost no carbs or sugar… what?) Today while I was at the dentist getting my teeth cleaned, my phone rang and my husband answered. I was so happy to get the great news!

What I am looking forward to: I have another appointment next week. I’m always happy when I get the chance to see my little baby A!

28 Weeks

Friday, 13 September 2013

How far along: 28 weeks

How big baby is: 2 1/2 pounds, 14.8 inches long (Another source says almost 3 pounds and 17 inches... Who knows.)

Baby is the size of: an eggplant

Baby’s development: She has eyelashes now and can blink. She is also adding more body fat.

Mommy’s weight gain: I am on vacation this week and don't have access to scales, so I'll happily pass over this part today. :)

Mommy’s belly:

Baby’s movements: She is still very active. Sometimes her movements startle me. As she grows bigger I know I'll be less likely to feel the strong kicks and more likely to feel jabs from elbows and feet.

Symptoms: I have been swelling a lot on vacation but I think that's because I have been walking a lot on vacation. I mean, a LOT! Our first full day here in the Smokey Mountains we did a 4.2 mile (round trip) hike up part of a mountain to a waterfall. That was not my best idea. First of all, I had it in my mind that it would be a 2.1 mile hike. I didn't realize that distance was only one-way until we were halfway up. I'm happy to say I completed the hike, but I have been sore all week now. We have done a lot of walking each day which has led to swollen feet and ankles at the end of the day.

Food cravings: Would you believe there are probably 30 pancake houses in Gatlinburg alone? I don't know why they have such an obsession with pancakes here, but it's been hard not to indulge. I have had dessert twice this week, but less than half a dessert each time - sharing with my husband. And that's much better than my once or twice a day sweet tooth fix that was the norm for me just a week ago. I have also cut out sweet tea and other sugary drinks and been much more careful about what I'm eating. Failing that glucose screening really kicked me in the pants! Also, this week I really wanted a Philly cheesesteak sandwich and I finally got one last night. :)

Emotions: I'm feeling pretty normal and even right now. I'm sure vacation helps with that.

Sleep: It has been super hard to sleep in this dreadfully uncomfortable bed at our cabin, but fortunately I have been so exhausted most nights that I manage to get enough sleep anyway. Naps have not been an option though.

What I am looking forward to: I am ready to get my 3-hour glucose tolerance test out of the way. I’m anxious about it - not so much the test, but whether or not I will pass it. I have been praying every day that I will pass so I won’t have to go on the diet! I take it on Tuesday morning so by my next update I will know.

27 Weeks

Friday, 6 September 2013

(Exactly three months from my due date)

How far along: 27 weeks

How big baby is: 2 pounds, 14 ½ inches long

Baby is the size of: head of cauliflower (What a strange thing to compare a long, skinny baby to.)

Baby’s development: She is most likely sleeping and waking at regular intervals now. She is able to open and close her eyes and maybe even suck on her thumb or her fingers. Her brain is becoming much more active and developing a lot of tissue now. And while her lungs are still tiny and have a lot more developing to do, if she were born now, she would most likely be able to breathe with medical intervention.

Mommy’s weight gain: 2 pounds this week, 20 total (Ugh.)

Mommy’s belly:

Baby’s movements: By now I’m supposed to be doing “kick counts.” That just means that at least once or twice a day there should be a time when I can count up to 10 kicks or bumps within a 30 minute period. Counting has not been necessary for me at all. This little girl moves and shakes a lot! I can usually count ten movements within about a minute when she is awake and active.

Symptoms: I’m definitely having Braxton-Hicks contractions more often and they are getting more intense. It’s been good practice for me to concentrate on relaxing my body during the contractions - that will be a good practice to have in place when labor starts. I also feel like this week I have crossed the threshold from the cute, round pregnant stage to the huge, giant, super-uncomfortable stage. (I don’t necessarily think I look terrible, but I just physically feel giant.) I feel like I’m eight and a half months pregnant, but I have to be this pregnant for 3 more months! I’m not complaining. I’m certainly grateful for every part of this pregnancy. This is just how it will be for the next three months. I tire very easily. Everything is more physically exerting now. And any physical exertion wears me out! I guess the good thing about all of that is that it means I’m getting closer and closer to the day when I get to have this sweet baby!

Food cravings: I want sweets all the time! I have been gaining more than one pound a week the past two or three weeks and I know the sweets cravings are to blame. Really, my lack of self-control is to blame, but you know what I mean. I want ice cream, cheesecake, Sonic cream slushes, pancakes… It’s so hard not to indulge.

Emotions: Rather than being super emotional, I’m just tired. I’m sleepy and fatigued all the time.

Sleep: The past two weeks or so I have gradually gone from waking up around 6:30 (on my own - with no alarm) to sleeping until 7:30 or 8:00. I’m not sure if it’s just the pregnancy or if part of it has to do with weather change and allergies. I would expect to feel more rested during the day as a result of the extra sleep I’m getting in the mornings, but it hasn’t really been that way at all. I still take naps on the days that I can fit them in.

Anything else: I think that my belly button has popped out as much as it can. I have two little scars towards the bottom of my belly button from previous surgeries, so I think that those scars are what is keeping it from popping out all the way.

Also, I had my glucose screening and doctor’s appointment yesterday. I was so grateful that at my previous appointment they had given me the glucose drink and the instructions so I was able to drink it at home before my appointment rather than drinking it at the office and then sitting there for an hour to wait for my blood to be drawn. Still, that stuff is disgusting! My appointment went well. Dr. N was late, as always, and rushed through the ultrasound, but at least we got a little look at baby Ariana. She always keeps her hands up near her face and yesterday was no exception. I am now going from appointments every four weeks to appointments every three weeks and it won’t be long before I go every other week. Every little step just means we are that much closer to meeting this sweet girl! I can’t wait!

Update: I did get a call from my doctor's nurse this afternoon and I failed my glucose screening! That doesn't mean that I have gestational diabetes, but it does mean that I have to go in for a more extensive glucose tolerance test. Ugh. I am hoping that by cutting out sweets, eating more protein and fewer simple carbs, and drinking lots of water (instead of sweet tea) I can pass this test. Either way, it's the motivator that I have needed to stop indulging in so many sweets. I'll be out of town for a while, so I won't be able to go in for this lab work for over a week, but the nurse said that should be fine. She also told me that I'm a little anemic so I have to take an iron supplement each day as well. I'm thankful that for now there is nothing worse to worry about.

What I am looking forward to: Right now I am just looking forward to the cooler weather that should be coming before too long. This big mama is ready for a cool down! :)